Today, my son entered this world 54 years ago. April 20, 2016, was Jason’s final day on earth, but his spirit is eternal. I joyfully pause again to remember my son. Eternity is ahead of all of us; and we wisely prepare to reunite with our loved ones. I can only imagine being in the Presence of God forever. My son knew Jesus because Jason spent time in His presence. The normal roller coaster of emotions has stopped, BUT GOD — gives me vision and joyful dreams of Jay from time to time. Jesus said, “Remember Me.” So I pause today to fondly remember my son, Jason.

For a time I was stuck in “why?” However, in God’s mercy I was gently reminded — that God is good, all the time. Walking and living in the Spirit, is to live “in Him” on good days and difficult ones. To deny my pain or suffering is to escape reality. Eternity looms before us all, so we pick up our cross and follow Jesus. He suffered the agony of being human yet never complained about His Father’s plan. Today, I rest in His promises. I choose to agree with the Father and honor God for choosing what was the best timing for my son.  Thank You, Father, for choosing me to be Jason’s momma. You knit Jason together in my womb, with all his days – written down! Wisely, I do not argue with Your plan. Jason was recently in a dream wearing my housecoat and cleaning my room. Perhaps he is busy getting things ready for our reunion? God knows and assures me that our reunion is imminent. Oh praise God!

Remembering my son is a holy, healthy thing to do. “You, Lord, are enthroned forever, Your throne endures from generation to generation.” Lamentations 5:19 This life comes and goes, but eternity lasts forever, and ever.  “Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy” Psalm 126:5 —  I am assured that my son is forever in the holy presence of Jesus.   Joyful emotions yet emerge when I hear the lyrics of songs that we sang together.  What a wonderful reunion it will be when we laugh together again.  JOURNALING lest I forget, I gladly remember a few wonderful times we shared.

Music was always a part of our jointly shared joys in this life.  Jason loved to groove to Motown tunes and he displayed his soul on the dance floor.  He made me laugh until I snarkled!  We took many country drives together, windows down with our playlists loudly blasting.  Every Mother’s day Jason made a point of being in contact. On many Mother’s day and Father’s day adventures…BELOW is Santa Cruz, California.

We took long road trips together to stay in nice off- the-ground-campy-type accommodations. Once we attended a rural circus. We enjoyed a big fat steak on the grill along the California coast. We enjoyed the simple life out at Pirates’ Lair off HWY 12 towards Fairfield.  I can hear Jason’s voice clearly say: “no worries Momma, it’s all good!” Father’s day 2013 was the best Jason ever had.  We rented a cabin at Tower Park in Lodi on the river and Jason was the Captain of the boat that day!  His dog Bella was our mascot and his aunt Sue and cousin David joined us for a glorious weekend with the Delta breeze blowing though our hair, and a great outdoor campfire weenie roast along the river. God blessed me deeply as I listened to those who stood up at his memorial. Jason was welcomed into many families and remembered well for his good spirit. Jay’s spiritual mentor gave me his bible and I get to read what Jason underlined in his Bible — He treasured the Psalms.

“My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song.” Psalm 28:7 – Jason loved to worship at his church “Lifesong” in Stockton, California! When Jason was thirteen I took him to his first concert. It was to hear Kenny Loggins at the AG Spanos Center and the most recent was an outdoor performance, in the rain, with Katie and Diana in the Bay area. I giggle as I think how Jason now is making Jesus laugh.  

A happy memory includes busting a gut laughing while Snipe fishing at Lake Alpine shortly before Jay’s dad died.  My son never lost his child-like wonder or the absolute joy of welcoming a new job, or a new friend into his life’s shortened experience.  At Jay’s memorial,  several of his friends stood up to share memories. At the luncheon afterwards one tall man came to tell me that Jason was the glue, the guy who brought two rivalry schools together.  Tom Simmons shared that in the last few months of his life, Jason’s thirst for the Word of God grew.  He shared Jason’s joy in reading the psalms each morning.   As his mother  I am comforted in knowing — with full assurance that Jason accepted “God’s way is right for me.”  There was a lifelong spiritual battle going on for Jason’s soul and I Praise God that in the end, our Lord got the victory and won! “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His faithful ones.” Psalm 116:15

No matter how short or long of a time it takes, grief is important to share.  Raw and unfiltered feelings need to come out. If I pushed my feelings down, they would suffocate my soul and I would be subject to lengthy bouts of depression. Without my faith in Jesus I would be inconsolable.  I believe my Lord gave me strength to write about grief, and He reminded me that it is holy to remember. Ecclesiastes describes all kinds of seasons and there is a time for tears, and a time for laughter.  “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.”  Proverbs 16:9 ❤️

Jason was at peace in his sweet soul before Jesus escorted him home.  “But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ.” Philippians 3:20  Jason Corey Newell,  Yo Momma, Barbara Sue loves you and today I am loving the memories of our last date in Stockton for mother’s day August 2015 – It was 108 degrees, we had no air conditioning and you wore that wet rag around your neck, smiling, never complaining! You picked me up from the airport in Sacramento, we stayed at the Best Western in Galt and then we took a drive along the river and had lunch at Al Da Waps in Locke.

You wanted to take me to Micke Grove Zoo, and it was so hot that even the animals hid in the shade and we laughed!  It was like God impressed upon you to make more memories with yo Momma. More Scriptures underlined by Jason in his bible: “Through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.  And we rejoice in the HOPE of the glory of God.”  I praise God for every heart that attended his homecoming service at Horizon church in Stockton. Jason saw his huge collection of friends and family remembering him well. Jason immediately entered God’s Presence. Jason now hears the magnificent worship in heaven. I am certain that Jason is surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses.

Jesus did NOT say ‘follow your heart.’ Jesus actually said “Follow Me.” God’s word does not recommend that we be true to ourselves. Jesus said “Whoever wants to be My disciple, must deny himself.” Self help books promote that we just have to believe in ourselves. Jesus said “Believe in Me.” Social media encourages folks to be happy, just post pictures of ourselves smiling as we live our best version of truth. Jesus said “I am the truth.” The world view is that we do whatever makes us happy. Jesus said “What will it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul.” Trust God at His Word. “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit, you may abound in hope.” Romans 15:13 ESV

November 17, 2012 at my wedding Quail Lakes Baptist Church, Stockton, CALIF

Jason Corey Newell Stockton, California

Oct 12, 1971 – Apr 20, 2016 (Age 44) Jason Newell will be remembered for his sweet, compassionate heart.

Exodus 15:13 “In Your unfailing love You will lead the people You have redeemed. In Your strength You will guide them to Your holy dwelling.” ❤️ Psalm 45:1-2 “My heart is stirred by a noble theme as I recite my verses for the King; my tongue is the pen of a skillful writer. You are the most excellent of men and your lips have been anointed with grace, since God has blessed You forever.” 🙌

Zephaniah 3:17 “The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you;  in His love He will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” Hallelujah ❤️

Forty-four years, six months and a few weeks as mother and child, and then Jason was taken into glory first. Gone before producing more grandchildren. Jason joined Jesus before grey hair, he is forever young.

As a mom, for a time I felt cheated. Perhaps you miss a loved one. So, what should one do when they feel “robbed by God?” BE HONEST and…

1. Tell Him. Yes, He already knows anyway, but He expects us to pour out our hearts. The Bible is full of Lamentations. From Job to David to Mary and Martha, we get a front row seat to the questions sufferers have asked through the ages. Often the answer is just, “Trust Me.”
2. Speak truth. Silence the liar, and listen for the comforting voice of the Holy Sprit through Scripture. Read the Psalms. Many start out with complaints and lament, only to end up praising God for who He is and what He’s done. It’s a spiritual discipline to remain steadfast.
3. Remember. Remind self of the truths of God’s Word, and the truths of how He stepped in and carried you. That’s why God tells His people to set up remembrances . He knows we are prone to forget HIS GOODNESS. And HE knows how desperately we NEED to REMEMBER. Rehearse God’s faithfulness and let that renew you.

TRUTH; I did not get to grow old with my son, or get to see him play hoop with his grandkids. In my flesh, that was hard to accept, but now I think of Jason laughing and fishing with Jesus. 

The Truth that remains is Jesus never left me. God is good. He is the lover of my soul and holder of my right hand. He’s a promise keeper. He’s my defender and provider; the lifter of my head. He is my Joy and my salvation. He is the Giver of all good things. I have NOT been cheated and HE has restored all that has ever been lost or stolen.
My Father has been faithful to me all my days, and I am certain He will never stop. Your story isn’t over. He is still working. Older, with eyes growing dim, I still see His hand working all things out for my good and HIS GLORY.

I write because I must — or drown in a sea of forget-me-nots. Once upon a time — I compared myself to the world — BUT GOD! He gave me a co-pilot that steered my pen to Him. I write to remind myself that His kindness is my lead. His Way has carried me, and changed my perceptions about everything. There is supernatural magic in this life, we must simply surrender to it. The only way to overcome the losses of this life, is to press into God’s Eternal Love even harder. Safe Shadows

I am so grateful that I turned to the God who chases us down with His goodness. He created me, and the personality that has been perceived by others as ‘too much’, ‘too sensitive’ or ‘too wordy’. Once I accepted my identity in Christ, I no longer puzzled over why I am the way I am. Instead of comparing myself, I chose to harness my “too muchness”. The unique parts of who we are actually makes us set apart for God’s greater purpose. I now write because I am His sunshine in human form. Even though this mom has known heartbreak, God has shown me that His love grew in my sorrows. The deepest joy of my Lord, came through pain. I’ve learned to love myself for all the things that the blind perfectionists told me to change. I pray that every reader learns to love something mistakenly perceived as ‘bad’ about themselves. Ask God to forgive you for not agreeing with Him for how truly awesome He made you! Your quirks just might be your finest traits.